Spinning on the Wind

someone's wise words that i did not want to ever forget

2007-08-29T03:07:38Z

"somewhere deep inside you, you have your soul. this small glowing thing that is untouched and pure and beautiful. and although the rest of your mind and body and emotions may feel torn and broken and damaged, this glowing soul is yours. and its perfect. its you. and that has always been you and will always be you. nobody can take that away, and no one else can change that no matter what they do to you. this glowing beautiful pure soul is yours and its untouched."

i should start a real journal to write these things in. until then, due to lack of a word processor on my computer...these words go here.

flynncai @ 2007-08-21T16:03:00

2007-08-21T21:04:36Z

no posting for a while.

what im thinking and feeling is in no way appropriate for this vastly public space.
and anything else i could write just seems far too trivial. sorry.

LOVE ME, ALL THROUGH THE WEEK...

2007-07-29T01:52:14Z

XTINA THIS IS FOR YOU! thanks for the postcard. you do know how i loooooove my james.

flynncai @ 2007-07-28T20:34:00

2007-07-29T01:44:37Z

is there ever a point in life when one actually begins to feel their age?
and if they are truly feeling their age are they aware of it?

bc i'd have to think that the most unclouded purest vision we've ever had of life happens when we are small children and unaware of our clarity thus making it evermore true and clear. no notions of how things should be. simply the concept of what things are and are not.

thinking of arguments to my own questions...older people who are young at heart might say.."no i dont feel old. i dont feel my age. age is just a number. its the life in you that counts" at least i think that's how i respond if i was old...or something.
so is it really necessary to feel your age ever? i think it would be helpful right now..bc i tend to feel exactly the same as i did 5, even 6 years ago. and perhaps feeling a little bit more like that of a 20 year old could be beneficial.
but i doubt it.
bc the more i learn about the world the more i wish i only knew now what i knew of the world as a child.

Michigan State - Nationals, 2006

2007-07-26T18:39:01Z



"Michigan State - Nationals, 2006" on Google Video
I felt this absolutely needed a link somewhere. heaven forbid it disappeared off the internet.

flynncai @ 2007-07-18T08:17:00

2007-07-18T13:22:19Z

Am I really retarded or do Macs just suck? I absolutely can't figure out how to change the style or size of my text in my entries.

I for sure know it's not under customizing the journal because it used to work on my old Dell computer.

There was an extra little bar at the top of the entry page, right under "insert image" "embed media" and "disable auto-formatting" and it would let me do things like italisize, or underline or bold. and I think I used to just click on something to get that...and now there is no such thing ever, EVER, appearing.

So am is it really right under my nose...am I just computer deficient? Any suggestions would be appreciated even if they are mean.

just like ronnie said.....

2007-07-17T23:49:05Z

OMG!! everything about this video is 80's-licious!!!!!!

from the song itself--to the black and white--to the hair--the sunglasses--the wind machine--the dramatic camera panning around and around him--the head bang--the spins--the dancing shadow--the whole leg heel tap--his dumb ass expression--the saxophone--the little jumping in place--the shirt rip off and the sax held in the air top it off. and then he does a finger point.

and that's why EDDIE MONEY MADE BANK in the eighties

flynncai @ 2007-07-16T18:56:00

2007-07-17T00:39:27Z

hey guys time for alittle bit of an update. i can't do dunegrass because its the exact day that my summer class ends..so that kinda would put me in a bind to find some way around that.

but because i didnt go to lake tahoe with my rentals i had to give up a plane ticket that was already paid for...and i believe the way it works is that i owe $100-some dollars if i dont use up the credit within a year? or i have a credit and still owe $100 fine? anyway..it is in my benefit to use up this flight credit and a visit to michigan sounds like just the thing. maybe right at the end of august before school starts or something. or maybe we meet in chicago for a little longer than a weekend.

anyway. life is pretty decent right now. summer class (the philosophy of religion) is actually going quite well and i really enjoy reading all of our assignments thus far. perhaps this could be a subject i could finally title as a favorite? so far i have yet to deem anything i have studied as my favorite which makes my parents a little nervous as far as the direction of my future is concerned. but this one is pretty interesting and i dont really think i agree with what our prof explains/what we read...but its cool to see the other way major philosophers are interpreting what most people just believe without questioning. our last week is devoted to Freud, which seems cool, bc under my impression he was big on developmental psychology -- yes? and maybe he has some really cool ideas about the philosophy of religion that i really dont even know.

i could get caught up in pondering and discussing all i have learned thus far....lately i've been finding joy in just sitting and thinking, and perhaps i could try and dictate to you some of my thoughts, bc i believe them to be fairly entertaing.....

but i dunno how good of a journal entry that would make this.....

well. so i also really love my job still, which is cool bc im not sure i've ever really enjoyed something i've done. i've always liked the people, the paycheck, etc. but currently i've been kinda screwed over by manipulative management, and where other people could just throw a fit/walk out/demand that the wrong be righted..i kinda just let it slide because i am a bit of a pushover and trying to work on that...but also bc i really really like my job and didnt want to leave. i dont want to leave the work, the environment, the fun, the perks, the discount. and whatnot. maybe thats not saying much, but bottomline..i REALLY LIKE MY JOB. and that makes me HAPPY. and im about to get a raise. yay.

i get to go to a wedding soon and that means dress shopping!! i am pretty excited to do so. i haven't bought myself some cute dresses or something of that nature in a while. however i have put myself on a massive budget which is working, but limits the quantity of clothes buying i will be doing. i tried to look through some store online to see if they had anything that i just "had to have" but that didnt really go very far. so i guess i'll just have to go browse the racks and hopefully will be able to make smart shopping decisions. not impulsive ones.

uhhh i have much to much on my mind as far as boys go. i seem to attract them in groups and for a decent amount of time i will have many pursuing me and clouding my thoughts with their compliments (genuine or not) and their verbal recognition of their attraction for me, and far to many voicemails with their requests for my time to be speant with them.. but then after a month (ish) i'll be boy free. and i like that time a lot more. its less stressful. from Garden State:

" I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better at night."

and i think sometimes im okay with being unimpressive also. other times i enjoy the attention slightly. sometimes i do marvel at the difference just one year makes. last year i was completely satisfied with one boy. no others. and had no desire for others. and now sometimes i want all three or no one at all. ~~sigh~~ i guess this is petty and there could be far bigger problems on my plate.

im tired and i need to read.
and i miss dan and i hope he is doing well.
i love my parents and miss them too. today would have been a day at the pool. how fun.

flynncai @ 2007-07-06T00:31:00

2007-07-06T05:36:53Z

we cant stop here this is bat country.

--im watching fear and loathing in las vegas with cutter and i love life

:)

flynncai @ 2007-05-04T08:05:00

2007-05-04T13:07:50Z

today=may 4th

My Bday=june 2nd

do the maaaath.. its getting close. start thinking of presents.

flynncai @ 2007-04-26T14:53:00

2007-04-26T19:54:43Z

i do believe no one said it better.....

"Please remember people, that no matter who you are, and what you do to live, rhyme and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same...you, me, them, everybody. everybody.

everybody needs somebody. everybody needs somebody to love. someone to love."

peace

"don't do me any favors, matter of fact why don't you do yourself a few."

2007-04-24T08:34:20Z

I think im a little too awake for my own good.
actually i think i enjoy getting sidetracked a little bit. you know like when you try to clean your room/bathroom/house/desk etc. and you get caught up doing the tiniest, most insignificant little things. example scrubbing the grout lines on the counter instead of tackling the huge pile of dishes 8 inches away...or trying to clean the sink that is stained from my hair dye, instead of packing up all shower and bathroom necessities. or how about conditioning my cuticles and painting my nails instead of packing up the "extra" (not essential) parts of my desk. yeah...sometimes i think i kinda like it. maybe i just like to accomplish things one at a time, although they aren't much of accomplishments because no one notices the tiny thing i did do exceptionally, just the massive duty i managed to put off in order to complete such foolish tasks.

anyone that wants an early bday idea for my big 20..

BEN HARPER tix at the pagent. love him. and its 8 days after my day of birth...so even if you just want to go let a sista know, i wanna check it out for sure.

anyway. i feel a little more focused now, i just gotta do my thing. writing it is easier than talking about it right now, so FYI im not being a bitch or ignoring anyone, im just keeping to myself hardcore..so as to get things done and feel good about stuff again.

---> however, im well on the way to feeling better about day to day activitiesss because im moving in with my boyssss paul and cutter on sunday. for sure move in day. i cant wait. im pretty excited to live WITH people again. living alone got super lonely especially after Frank died. (r.i.p.) i was either thinking i needed a dog, or maybe just real roommates. well maybe this will keep me a little cleaner too, i was kinda turning into a sloppy boy. my desire for neatness and order has been on a steady decline since i havenot had to worry about anyone else being upset by my mess. hopefully this will turn that slope from negative to positive.

now to be perfectly honest i should go to bed, but im gunna go study some stats. i'll see y'all on the flipside.

^^ 6 days ^^ get ready.

'night

"now let me tell you a story, the devil he has a plan"

2007-04-02T15:34:34Z

hey hey hey..guess what.

its back to school time. and i even showered and everything. parked and got to class on time only to find it canceled bc of the exam we took right before spring break.

great.

now its 10am and i dont have class until 1pm.
lovely. maybe i'll register for classes since i should have done it 3 weeks ago.

"you're racing w/ the wind-you're flirtin' w/ death, so have a cup of coffee and catch your breath"

2007-04-02T06:40:32Z

well not only have i been able to displace my phone for the second time in two days..i have also managed to take a nap, unitentionally. therefore missing out on a late night soccer game i was going to attend, and now also i am more awake than is necessary for 11:59pm. i should have just typed midnight. it is midnight.

but as spring break winds, spins, and falls downhill and to its dreaded end, i have managed to enjoy the time off from school. (who wouldnt) and have been somewhat productive as well. i have semi-recovered from the horrifically clumsy and expensive wine accident...(glass of shiraz...meet my keyboard, seep into its inner workings and claim its life); i can say with excitement that i do have a new computer. completely paid for, sans parental help. i am proud about that. but i can say with minimal excitement that it is a MacBook Pro. im not yet a huge fan of the mac yet. perhaps it will grow on me. but right now im pretty POed that downloading and installing AIM is not as automatic as it was for any other computer i have ever owned or operated. whateverrrrr i gave into the MAN and let the Journalism school "recomendations" (requirements is a better term) get the best of my computer purchasing decision. alas. i have one. so i feel much less disconnected from the world. thank goodness.

so while i am reconnected with the world, im a little outta touch with any/everything else because i stayed in columbia and worked for all of spring break. (sidenote. i want to start saying columbia like true "Columbians" do, you know, the people from the country. forget that pesky problem they have with exporting drugs to the US and whoever else. they speak so sexy. i want that.) my landlord has been showing the house alot too, which means ive done a lot of cleaning up too. i like the way things look when they are all put back and cleaned up, but im just not that anal to keep it like that all the time.

i also cut my hair this week.

i had a 30 min lunch break and didnt want to eat, or sit around and look lazy so i went to the cost cutters next to sally beauty (where i work). i was a little frightened putting my trust in the hands of someone who operates on the fact that the best haircut they can give someone is only worth $12...but i was pleasantly surprised. i cut off about 8 inches and got "swoopy" sideswept bangs with some short layers that frame my face. its cute, i like it. since its black now too, i could totally do it up in a funky way and look pretty rad. i dunno if the world is ready for that tho ;)

on an even FUNNER note...(yes i know thats not a word, but honestly, it should be. come on. i went to Slackers today with the intention of asking them about "wet hot american summer" b/c i cant seem to find it anywhere. but i got caught up in the vast expanse of cd's laid out before me. keep in mind now that i have not had a computer for about 2 weeks...ie: NO ITUNES...and after so long the battery ran out and i had NO IPOD. i was a girl in the swings of full out music withdrawl..and me walking into slackers would be like a starving person waltzing up to a buffet stocked full of hot steamy food. i know i just painted a mental picture there, but painting isnt really my specialty so i'll just get back to the story. i strolled and looked at cd's for hours like i had never seen one before. they could have had a little better variety, bc it was mostly rock and only two small sections of funk/old school blues, soul and reggae(sp?) but i still found 900 cds i wanted. i normally dont drop a lot of money on cds, but since my old laptop fried, i lost alllll songs on my itunes. much of which i had imported throughout the years, but even more of which i had downloaded from limewire. so i lost a metric ton of music files on my old computer. that leaves me pretty desperate for music.
i bought 3 cds. almost 4. i put back the "Bill Withers Classics" one b/c it was 14.99 and that was too rich for my blood. maybe next time. i did get talking heads "stop making sense" which is one i had but got majorly scratched, plus the one i just bought had 7 songs the first copy didnt. so i am pretty excited to listen to those. the second was a "Junta" a two-disc album from Phish. it had some songs i knew, but more that i didnt so we'll see how that works out for me.

and third and finally i bought..dunnnnDunnnDUHHHH...."The Blues Brothers: The Difinitive Collection" which i am totally loving listening to. its one of those whole cds that you havent heard in years but still know all the words to. our family would take a vacation to new jersey to visit my gma, gpa, aunt uncle, everybody...and we would drive there which we did in two days. and we had the blues brothers soundtrack on cassette tape and for the last hour or so, we would cross the "such-and such" bridge on our way into cherry hill, roll down the windows and blaaaast this music for the end of our trip. its good blues songs sung mostly by dan akroyd (sp?) this music totally reminds me of vacation excitment and anticipation because we were so close to getting there. and it reminds me of summer sun and wind blowing hard through my hair since we were still going ~65 on the highway with all windows down. we took this trip so many times and we always played the blues brothers at the same exact moment of every trip. it made for some fun memories for sure. and now i can totally brag about the high quality music appreiciation i had as a 6 year old. (thanks mom).

well it certainly is way too late to still be up and im i little more tired. but still without phone. i am so stupid. i normally keep that thing within reaching distance but as soon as i have a seriously clean house i cant find it anywhere. figures.

its time to get serious now. school starts again tomorrow. these are my grades, i have to defend them. *winks**catch that home alone reference?* actually tho, my grades are in serious trouble-they need some fixing. and i think my spirit needs a little bit of the same; im gunna work on getting the kinks outta of both of them.

dk and xtina--i will totally let you know soon when a visit is good for me.
the thought of which almost makes me explode with excitement!!!

until then.
peace. and g'night

flynncai @ 2007-03-22T23:46:00

2007-03-23T04:49:37Z

WELL. ITS BEEN ABOUT 3 MONTHS.

i think the posts may be making a comeback.

i'll keep you posted on the posting of posts situation.

flynncai @ 2006-12-08T19:22:00

2006-12-09T01:22:54Z

haha. i made it christmas colors. aren't i just a jolly little thing?

"i just can't look....it's killing me"

2006-12-08T23:45:06Z

soooo bussssy.

but ive actually done some fun things lately,   ie: starting some necklaces for a friend, starting one of my own, i went school/art supply shopping which is always fun, i used said art supplies to start making postcards for people/fun. i got a card from kathleen and that was cool.

ive played a gnarly ( yeeeep. gnarly) game of phone tag today. remeber when tag was such a fun game? there were all those different kinds....regular tag....freeze tag.....tv tag, which i guess could be adapted to "anything" tag...movie, music, etc. anyway.....tag was fun. not on the phone tho.

im about to drive myself nuts. so this list is more for my personal sanity:

TO DO
~~Brit Lit Thematic Essay~~
Journalism Exam
Elizabeth Bathory Presentation
Portrait Analysis Paper
Theatre Exam
J-1010 Summaries
J-1010 Career paper
Macro Final
Brit Lit Final
Sell Books Back

and then i guess if i really wanted to be a jerk to myself, id say: FINISH postcards, necklaces, letters and all that jazz.

But no those are fun. and they should remain that way. so i will forcibly keep them on the fun list and off the TO DO.

heres a thought of the day:
if so many people claim to (or generally have) addictive personalities.....how come so many of us can't STAND each other.???
i think that some of them must get addicted to nice things...or just being nice....

Turkey Day Update

2006-11-29T01:39:11Z

so i had a good thanksgiving break.    i focused heavily on the break part and didnt really go out, but i got to do a lot with my fam which was a lot of fun.

i saw spamalot with my dad which was suuuuper fun but really hard not to quote the entire thing. some of my favs are:

~~"well who are you?" "im king of the Britains" "KING?! well i didnt vote for you!"
~~"are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"   "Not at all!...they could be carried!" "what? a swallow carry a coconut?" "he could grip it by the husk" "it's not a question of where he grips it! it's a simple question of weight ratio. a 5oz. bird cannot carry a 1pound coconut"
~~"who's he?" "oh well he's a king." "how you know that?" "he hasn't got shit all over him"
~~"one, two, five!" "three sir." "THREE"
~~"son, one day, this will all be yours..." "what the curtains??" "NO NOT THE CURTAINS!"
~~"I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?"

hahaha i could go on FOREVER!   but i dont think i will. regardless. it was quite an amazing way to start my break.

oh and then later i went and saw the new james bond with dan which was really good too.   very intense first 15 mins. i loved it. might actually see it again if given the option.....but i should also just save my money.

then i had a lovely thanksgiving day with all sorts of fun stuff.

then back to school which is fun, but not so much because my two weeks are going to be incrediably busy and stressful and .....ta-daaaaaaaa!!!    im getting horrible headaches again. and falling asleep before they turn into migraines. so thats just dandy.

in other news, i finally decided how i am going to make MY OWN necklace from the bead i bought in telluride. yep. its still on the string as of late, and i am at last happy with an idea of how to make it. ive been pondering for a while and i think im set on this most recent design. so hopefully ill get to that soon

in more news i want to start making my own postcards and sending them out for christmas. i have to go to walmart for posterboard anyway for my silly presentation this friday (BOO) and i think im going to pick up some supplies.   sometimes arts and crafts is just the most fun thing in the entire world.

"whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

2006-11-17T19:59:11Z

DONE.
for a week at least.    im very excited it has been a miserable two weeks and im really excited to go home and just haaaang arrrounnnd. i cant wait to stay up late and watch TV with my bro. i was thinking we could maybe go see the new james bond movie too. it looks interesting and dont act surprised. you are so in love with double 0 seven that it should not shock you that i dont mind watching the movies either. ive had to sit through years of you commanding the remote during the week long marathons of classic Bond movies, no wonder your preference has rubbed off.   so anyway, let me know. we should go.

and im also really excited to go see "Spamalot" with my dad. haha.   i feel like its going to be a really good way , fun, and carefree, to start off the week. sometimes its amazing to sit and laugh at ridiculous humor. and sometimes it feels best to have your dad right next to you, enjoying it just as much.

and i feel bad that i dont really have anything particular planned with mom. BUT theres always cooking the biggest meal of the year. i cant wait to help with that. i like cooking better at home, home rather than college-home because at school i never have all of everything that i need. which is then a bummer.   anyway. maybe we can go out to lunch or something.   the other day i thought of my birthday this past year and how we sat outside at california pizza kitchen forever on a beautiful day. and had a CHISLED TALL DARK AND HANDSOME GOD as our waiter. ohhhhh he was soooo pretty. dressed all in white and taking care of our every desire...almost.   that was fun.

and im pretty excited to see kathleen. like really really really.   maybe we can have like a makeshift pool day without the pool? its probably still decent to sit out on the porch in the sun and talk.   or maybe just stay in and enjoy....oh i dunno....the little less than full bottle of wine i still have?...which im not sure im bringing home yet...i dont think it'd be a big deal if i just stuck it in my duffle.   anyway i want to see her very badly for many reasons. mostly because shes an amazing person and a great hand holder. and who knows when i might that little squeeze of encouragement / understanding / support..whatever.

i think im going to go to the Cor Jesu Thanksgiving Mass. i missed it last year as i was still in michigan finishing classes, so it will be my first mass as an alum, because i missed last years christmas mass too. i have an uncanny ability to always get sick on holidays..or the days preceeding them. christmas a couple times, halloween way back in the day, and easter once too. so hopefully this year things will be different.   maybe not.         but im still excited to go to the mass. even tho i think this means i am going to have to sit in the back   booooo.

anyway. i dont have a whole lot to do now that my class is over for the day.    paul gave me some pieces to put on necklaces, so maybe ill start on that. maybe ill make a new one for myself too.....and i still have to clean and pack and whatnot. i'll be home so soon. its exciting. and making me a little nervous. because part of me doesnt know what to expect out of someone...but i guess that will play out however it does.

i also am going to be around for sooooo long--a whole week yay!--that i would love to see laura and jenn and jamie! im thinking the free time is going to be good and hopefully i can get back out to illinois with laura and see some of those old guys. they were good. and those times were so much fun. even if a little dangerous. and hindsight is always 20-20. and my parents were right in some of their worries....but those were also some of the most fun nights i ever had, and i have so many amazing memories with laura. so thanks for trusting me and letting me grow up.   anyway. i think itd be fun to go see chris brown again. and joey was always such a sweet guy. i hope that whole family is doing well.   and if we do head out there again. who knows. maybe we'll run into steve and brett....and wouldnt that just be great......hahaha. we'll see

im off to make some necklaces. and watch some movies.
peace

flynncai @ 2006-11-13T16:39:00

2006-11-13T22:39:27Z

as bad as my week was last, with school, and feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated all at the same time....i should have been thankful.
things really werent that bad.
and its true that they could always get worse.
because this week i really have something to be upset about. and it sucks way more than school. and homework. and grades.

i dunno how this happened. and i guess i understand it. but i feel like i dont deserve it. because i've been nothing but good for you.
i hope he finds what he thinks he's looking for.
because i'd hate for him to realize later that he walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him.
he left something perfect, to see if he could find it again.
and i guess i hope he does.
because i cant promise that i'll be around forever.
i will NOT be your safety net. i hope for your sake you know what you're doing. because i think you're making a huge mistake.
so good luck.

"don't stand so, dont stand so close to me"

2006-11-10T05:24:50Z

ever realize how the only thing that keeps you from getting what you really want ......is yourself?

on a happier note. i got a 91 on my journalism exam. yay. great. grand.
too bad it still doesnt really cheer me up.

i hate being a downer.

i just hate being down.

siiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhhh.
if i had a dog right now i would talk to it. and hold it's head in my lap. like they always do in the movies.

hahah. that thought kinda cheered me up...........

"Previously on Lost......"

2006-11-09T06:42:25Z

WOW....I HAD SUCH A GOOD WEEKEND.

ok to start things off i had an awesome weekend not only back at the old stomping grounds (MSU) but also my impromtu thursday night in columbia, and my long day in STL with my fam. Now all you silly readers are dying for details i know, so i will indulge you.....

Thurs: studied alllll day for my journalism exam, which is always overwhelming but i feel like i did pretty well on. [fingers crossed] i get it back tomorrow. so took the exam, came home and relaxed for a little bit, only to realize some good friends were all going to Zoso..a led zeppelin cover band concert....so i ran and got a ticket, met up with kate and such and went to the concert. Had a goood time. good show.
However--it was probably not the smartest idea to go out. as i still had not packed, showered, or written the 2 page paper for my friday 9am class. which i had to attend, and then planned to get right in the car and drive to STL and catch my plane.
Fri: wake up super early, pack shower, and write a paper all in 90 mins and with a headache. got to class, got to st. louis, and detroit, and finally east lansing. and oh yeah TINA FROM THE REAL WORLD WAS ON MY PLANE. ALTHOUGH SHE DID NOT PUNCH ANYONE DURING THE TIME I SHARED WITH HER.   well christina and dan greeted me at the airport and it was so fabulous to run and give people huge hugs. i never do it with my parents because i always feel a little foolish. but it was totally appropriate to shriek a bit and run into their arms. it made me VERY happy. :D   so a nice little din din at Potbelly's and some wine and Wet Hot American Summer made the rest of my night. i feel asleep a happy girl....once again... in the 115.
                           so weird that it almost felt as if i hadn't ever left. so much of that room, the city, that school, etc. feels sooo right. it was really a good thing i had going there. and i dont regret my decision to transfer at all, and i know i didnt take last year for granted...its just good to look back on something and realize how lucky you were to experience it. i was so lucky last year, i learned alot about myself and what's important to me. and made some of the best friends that a girl can have. And i know you guys will be around a while! there's no getting rid of ME! you are all too good.
Sat: FIELD TRIP TO THE SAND DUNES! ie: drove to Holland, MI and met up with Tripper and Zach and went and died trying to climb up the sand dune. once i got to the top though, i played. it was sooooo much fun, and i had such a great time. it was a great way to get an awesome and true "first look" at Lake Michigan. being pelted in the face/ear/eye/nose/pockets/pants with sand was pretty cool too. it was super windy at the top and i seriously thought i could have been blown over. anyway we played and jumped off sand cliffs and it was the coolest thing i have done in a long time. Thanks so much for taking me there! here are some of my favorite pics from the outing........

me and chris on top of windy sand dunes. looking too cute.

woooooooo winnnndy!
                                                        THANKS XTINA FOR THE PICS!

amazing view of Lake MI

dune JUMPING! [i was way scared to do this]

coming down was waaaay more fun than climbing up

Sun: came all too quickly and i said goodbye to my loves in michigan and headed home where i was met by my rentals who treated me to a huuuuuuge brunch which was awesome! and i ate like it was my job. YUM. then spent the day hanging out and making necklaces with sea glass and momma's beads. i went and saw mike, which was nice, although a bit different than our normal hangouts. i think we left on terms we were both ok with? i think i was ok with them? maybe time will tell how i truely feel about our little talk. I know for sure that life is uncertain and thats what makes it fun. BUT if you take the fun things out of life just becuase you're unsure about how they will fit in the future...what are you left with?    And i kinda feel like a hypocrite but this is not the place to talk about this. anyway. it was a good visit, with things that needed to be said.

so the weekend was totally successful and i had a blast in each of the three cities i was in. (minus detroit bc that could never possibly be fun. haha jk) this week seems to be cleaning up nicely as i finally starting watching Season 2 of LOST and im absooluuuutely obsessed. its so good. as everyone told me it would be. but im trying not to slack too much and really get myself back into a responsible mindset that i am way more comfortable with, than the slacker one i have adopted recently. i am trying to channel all my old habits of overachieving, turning things in early, being a neat freak, being ON TIME WITH EVERYTHING. trying to get those old habits back into my life. i would totally accept being annoying with those habits if i could get rid of all stupid late fees for everything. blllaaahhhh.

ok so its past 12.30am, time to start revising the poetry explication paper due tomorrow that my prof was already impressed with. should take little time...he even said he was impressed i picked a george herbert poem, as he is a more difficult poet to understand. and i responded,
                         "uhhh yeah, i just really liked it, and i've studied other metaphysicaly poets but not much by him..."

way to impress the prof with my pick of poem, completely random out of the textbook.
the title was Love (III) and it kinda sounds like two people are talking in the poem, the speaker and Love itself
Apparently a more challenging poem/poet to dicifier true meaning from.
4 extra life points for Caitlin.

i liked this quote from one of many Lost episodes i watched today (forgive me if i dont get it completely correct)
"don't confuse conspiracy with fate"
i dunno if i agree, or if those two things are completely different, but it intrigued me.
so. DISCUSS. talk amoungst ya'selves
bye.

"i'll leave the light on a while"

2006-11-01T00:49:27Z

more optimism today!

i got a lovely phone call last night, which was bitter sweet.
                                                  the ones with him usually are.
just hearing his voice means so much and yet at the same time its never enough. talking doesnt put him in front of me. and thats hard. but nothing i havent dealt with before. for months upon months, more than 500 miles away and without a car.
i did it then and i can do it now.                                it should be easier. well, you'd think.

anyway. i woke today totally on my own, sans alarm, and felt completely well rested. which is always a blessing. did what i feel to be a pretty good job on my poetry explication paper, considering i planned to have it done last night and started this morning at 8. i'm pretty pleased with it, even as a rough draft. yay for unexpected enlightenment and analysis! : D

umm and i attended all classes from 1pm until 6. so i write this after the end of a long day, and i should be going out tonight, but i dont have a costume immediately at hand, and i kinda want to jump start my studying for journalism exam # 2 on thursday. we'll see what happens.
other than that, silly car stereo is till flashing CODE and im a big slacker about charging my iPod...and i had a coheed and cambria song stuck in my head alllllll day.
and guess what. Im FINALLY listening to it....bitchesssss   haha yeah man. it sounds so much better when they sing it.
i wish i had a set of those headphones that look like they belong in a recording studio...the big puffy ones. that way i could turn out all the lights in my room, completely cover my ears and all other outside songs and just get lost in whatever i wanted to listen to.
i would lay on my bed and just surround myself with music until i fell asleep.   *sigh*
alas, i dont have a pair, and id probably pass right out for the night anyway. oh well.

the point of this entry: i'm feeling better, not even overwhelmed actually. i think just staring at this vast white screen and my tiny black typed letters moving across it puts me in a mood sometimes. there is such an enormous amount of rambling that i could do that i dont know why i always seem to put a downer spin on things. i'll work on that too.
perhaps to illustrate my newfound optimism and vow of optimistic posts (mostly) i will end this one on a happier, almost child-like, note:

Happy Halloween

"cause all i ever had, redemption songs"

2006-10-31T06:29:48Z

my desk is cleaner this time around.
but my mind is still as cluttered as ever. cluttered and twisted and tied with emotion and frustration and anxiety and questions.

i think if i dwelled on things more i probably wouldnt do some of the things i do.
but i tend not to dwell on things.   so i do them.
and its really nice to have my own "personality" as an excuse for my actions.
    ------> oh i just go with the flow of things. you can't plan life, and you cant play games with yourself or other people. dont worry. just live.

sounds like a nice idea, but you have no idea how much that actually justifies my actions to myself.
think about it.
with that mindset, is there really anything i could do that would be wrong?
so sometimes i think if i worried, planned, and tried to control my life more,.....i wouldnt feel so out of control. of my own...self.

im also unmotivated like whoa. which does not make me feel good either.
hormones, no sleep, grade stress, classes, money issues, no job, and anything else you can think of are my best friends right now.....the best friend that is way too clingy and you never wanted to begin with.

id be really happy to get this week over with and then i could enjoy a much needed vacation to michigan. appropriately timed too. bc i feel like i want to escape my own life a little more and more each day.
but i guess things could always be worse. they really could. i can think of a million ways how.
i should try and be more optomistic

" I look into the finance box just to check my status. I look into the the microscope i see a......"

2006-10-24T03:05:16Z

i have way too many things on my desk. i am looking at:
printer
lamp
3 pic frames (2 me and dad, 1 me and mike)
clock
empty cups from the gas station, w.g.Grinders and downstairs
my phone
my calc
two pens
deordorant
2 text books
3 notebooks
dracula
underworld dvd
season 2 of lost
practice exams and worksheets
makeup mirror
makeup bag
hair clip
eye brow tweezers

for about as many things are one my desk...900 too many...there are about that many things on my mind. some i'd rather not think about and push to the back. but those are like my rapid accumulation of empty cups. i think im finished with a thought and really it just sits around and bothers me and i really dont have the energy to take it all the way downstairs...or spend the adequate amount of time thinking about it, or taking care of it. or whatever. metaphors and similies were never really my thing.

but i did have a super weekend this past. low key friday-turned impromptu dance party-turned trip to jeff and tim's.
then tailgating on saturday. drove around for about an hour trying to find a place to park, but had a surprisingly silly time with michelle while doing it. that traffic seems almost painless...almost.
the day was rainy and cold, but i put to use the festavarian spirit and made everyone get under an empty tent next to someone's car who was clearly in the game. kept us a lot dryer, until we left it. thanks to whose ever that was.
then i took a nap in jeffs bed, and then fell asleep again later on the couch, on the floor, and maybe one more time on the couch? i was awake for the whole cards game tho. no doubt about that. gave chistina a nice little phone call i know you got a kick out of ; )
then ohhhh laid around on sunday and did very little.
im studying for macro right now. just taking a little break.
on a side note: we still haven't put our heat on and its 51 degrees in our house.
but when we go outside it feels good. so thats a plus
we said we were going to wait until it was 40. which was initially a funny thought.
but now i wonder if we can really do it.....
i have plenty of blankets.
not to mention a sweatshirt im wearing right now that isnt mine. thanks to somebody.

back to work now. i just ate a granola bar. so now that piece of trash is on my desk too. great. grand. wonderful.